To my wonderful son, Beau:
Today, you cried when our neighbor, (who was a male), held you. I thought back to when we visit with Nana and Papa and you usually cry when “he” holds you. After contemplating it all, it hit me like a massive tidal wave. . .
You’re not that comfortable with men.
Now, there is no way that I can absolutely be positive without you telling me, but even when you look at a male, you stare at them in their eyes and you get this frightened and unsure look on your face. This is when the tears usually come.
I know that Daddy has been gone for about a month. You turned six months old and just two days later; he left and hasn’t been back since. It’s been about a month now. I know that you don’t know it now, but Daddy didn’t leave because he didn’t want to be with us or because he didn’t love us. . .
He’s in the Navy.
Daddy still loves you and thinks of you every day. It’s the first thing that he tells me when we “sometimes” get a weekly call. He tells me in letters how he looks at your picture every night and kisses you goodnight. He tells me how he shows off your pictures every chance he gets to the other servicemen, (yes, I did send the picture of you smiling while pooping and he says it’s the first one he shows because it’s his “fav”). He says he can’t wait to see us again. My biggest fear, (besides all of the ones that military families and moms already have), is that you will be scared when you see him at his graduation.
I know that you don’t have “stranger anxiety” by any means, (heck, you “flirt” with the cashier in the check-out line at the grocery store), but when it comes to men, you’re unsure and shy. Honey, Mama is here and will make sure you’re always alright. I would never put you with someone that I knew would hurt you. I would never purposely put you in danger. I love you and will always be there when you need me. Come graduation day for Daddy, you don’t need to be weary of men because that man is your father. Your Daddy joined the Navy to not only serve our country, but for himself and for us.
I know that your Daddy missed your first St. Patrick’s Day, me and your Daddy’s first wedding anniversary, and your first Easter, all in the time he was just gone for this training, (and I’m sure that’s only the beginning of the holidays, anniversaries and birthdays that he will possibly miss), but there is not a second of the day that his heart does not find us and vice versa. We will make every holiday special in our own way, even if Daddy isn’t “physically present,” and cherish every day that we are together, (even if that means leaving the Christmas tree up until March).
I promise to make every holiday, birthday, anniversary, and normal day special, as if he were physically here. As your Mama, I will take video and pictures of every opportunity, we will carry his picture always, Daddy will leave you “surprises” when you least expect it, (and no, I won’t tell you what they are going to be or when because I don’t even know), we’ll communicate with him whenever possible, and I promise I will go to all of your games, award ceremonies, parent-teacher conferences, doctor visits, and more. We will always remain a family; you, me, and Daddy. We will make special care packages for him, make him signs for homecomings, and more. Our time with Daddy will be special, but so will other time too. Daddy will always be our protector, provider, a link in your support system, a friend, your father and our hero. This will always be true no matter where he is in the world.
Loving You Every Minute of Every Day,